装B年龄不能错过。记录生活势在必得~

山东作协副主席王兆山先生发表于齐鲁晚报的江城子：

天灾难避死何诉，主席唤，总理呼，党疼国爱，声声入废墟。
十三亿人共一哭，纵做鬼，也幸福。
银鹰战车救雏犊，左军叔，右警姑，民族大爱，亲历死也足。
只盼坟前有屏幕，看奥运，共欢呼。

"why did the newspaper even publish this.."

唉……新京报连那照片都登出来了……

You Know You're a Beijing Ren When..

当你……的时候，你知道你是个京片子。

1. You've been spit on countless times

你被吐过无数次痰

2. When you go back to your home country, you try to bargain in shops

当你回祖国时，你试图在商店里讨价还价

3. Stop signs? Traffic lights? What?

停止标志？红灯？算啥？

4. You never look both ways before crossing the street

你过街再也不看路的两边有没有车了。

5. Going to the Great Wall is really boring

去长城很无聊。

6. You have tons of designer clothes, none of which are real

你有一堆名牌衣服，没有一件是真的

7. You own movies on dvd before they come out in theaters

你有还未在影院放映的DVD版电影

8. 5 kuai is a big tip to give a taxi driver

给出租车司机5块钱作为小费算很多。

9. You don't think it's weird when you see hundreds of people trying to squeeze into one bus

看到有成百的人群试图机上一辆公车时，你已经不惊讶了。

10. It's not weird when 50 year old constuction workers check you out

一个50多岁的工人在扫视你这种事情不足为奇。

11. You've been called lao wai

你被称之为‘老外’

12. Bing tang hu lu!!!!

……冰糖葫芦！！

13. You love the pollen in spring because it's the closest you get to snow

你特别喜欢柳絮，因为那是你最能接近雪的时候

14. Getting clothes tailored is cheaper than buying them

量身定做衣服比自己去买要便宜

15. Manicures, pedicures and massages aren't considered luxuries

修手脚指甲和按摩都不是所谓的“奢侈”

16. Anything can be put in the back of a truck (flowers, humans, beer, chickens...)

任何东西都能往卡车上堆（花草、人、啤酒、鸡。。）

17. Nothing is official. Nothing is against the law as long as you don't get caught

没有所谓的“官方”。只要你不被抓，没有什么是犯法的

18. Guards don't have guns, they have sticks

保卫们没有枪。他们有棍子。

19. There is no legal drinking age

没有所谓的合法酒龄。

20. You are "very good friends" with numerous shopkeepers

你和数位小摊商人是“好朋友”

21. Liu kou shui is yummy. You buy it by the box

『流口水』很好吃。你整盒整盒地买

22. Horn honking means nothing. It's just a habit.

按喇叭不算什么，只不过是习惯性动作

23. You learn to appreciate a taxi driver that actually wants to take you where you want to go

你开始珍惜某些真的会带你去目的地的出租司机

24. You get excited for the winter sweet potatoes

你为冬天的烤红薯感到兴奋。

25. Everything you own is from Ikea

你所有的东西都来自Ikea.

26. You don't drink water. You just don't

你不喝水。你就是不喝。

27. Sparks fly when you move your blanket

（习惯于）挪移被子的时候擦出火花

28. Your lips, hands, skin, and hair are always dry

嘴唇、手、皮肤和头发永远都是干的

29. You think Chinese food from your own country is disgusting

你觉得祖国的中餐很垃圾

30. You get really excited when Wikipedia is unblocked

维基解禁的时候，你超级兴奋。

31. You add an "er" to everything you say in chinese. (Sanlituner, wan er, zai na er?")

你说中文的时候会带儿话音（三里屯儿，玩儿，在哪儿？）

32. It doesn't bother you when people stare. You just stare back.

你已经习惯于有人盯着你。这时候，你就“反盯”

33. You no longer clean anything, you know the dust will be back in an hour.

你不再清扫任何东西。反正尘埃一个小时后就会回来。

34. You carry toilet paper everywhere and you are very good at using a squatter

你去哪儿都带着卫生纸，并且在行于『蹲坑』这事儿。

35. You stock up on toothpaste and toiletries whenever you're in your country

你在祖国会囤积牙膏和厕所用具

36. You have multiple piercings your parents don't know about. And a tatoo

你有数个扎眼（全身），你父母不知道。还有个刺青。

37. You buy lava lamps at the black market

你会在黑市买岩熔灯（屋内装饰品，“两种密度相近的液体被灯泡加热而产生运动”）

38. You sleep better on night trains than in your own bed

你在火车（软卧）上睡得比自家床还舒服

39. You love fang bian mian

你热爱方便面。

40. Roads go in rings

路按“环”说。

41. You have to pay to use the bathroom. It's easier to go in a bush

比起付费厕所，你还是愿意就近（草丛）解决。

42. You can tell anyone exactly how many days there are until the olympics

你可以准确地告诉别人离奥运开幕式还有几天。

43. You can spot a tourist a mile away

你能远远地发现旅游的人

44. You know how to ride the subway

你知道如何乘坐地铁

45. You've gone for a wild ride in a san lun er che

你曾经坐过一趟发疯似的三轮车

46. When you're watching a dvd, it's not strange to see people's head popping up, from when it was filmed in the theater.

你看碟的时候，有人偷冒出来已经不足为奇了。因为是枪版碟

47. You can always see cranes. No matter where you look.

你总能看到起重机。不往哪儿看

48. If you can't find a place you're looking for, chances are it's not because you're lost, it's just been torn down

如果你找不到一个地方的时候，大都不是因为你迷路了，而是那个地方被拆迁了。

49. You don't buy or wear white clothes, they'll be gray by the end of the day

你不买白衣服了。一天之后就成灰色的了

50. You love Beijing and you never want to leave!

你爱死北京，再也不想离开它！

Steven Hsu: when you buy a CD of Limp Bizkit and it ends up having linkin park and Jennifer lopez on it. It pisses me off they add so many songs just to fill up the numbers当你买一张软饼干的盗版碟时，却会发现里面混着林肯公园和洛佩斯。他们为了歌曲数目相当会狂加不相关的歌。。很郁闷
Roger Wang: when you're not suprised to see beggars with no bones in their legs.
Dillon Gorton: When stairs lead to nowhere （这个很喜欢但是不知道怎么翻。。）

Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

用“shit”恶搞一些宗教、观念的习惯说法。

* Taoism: Shit happens. 道家
* Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens." 孔子
* Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. 佛祖
* Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not. 禅宗
* Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?  禅宗2
* Hinduism: This shit has happened before. 印度教
* Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. 伊斯兰
* Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.伊斯兰2
* Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel. 伊斯兰3
* Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it. 天主教
* Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else. 新教
* Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.长老会
* Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.主教派
* Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.卫理公会派
* Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.公理会派
* Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another. 唯一神派
* Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.路德教
* Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!) 正统基督派
* Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist（电视福音传道者）, it's okay.正统基督派2
* Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.正统基督派3
* Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?犹太教
* Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.喀尔文教
* Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.基督复临安息日会教友
* Creationism: God made all shit. 创造宇宙说
* Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.世俗人类学
* Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray! 基督科学说
* Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.基督科学说2
* Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.唯一神派
* Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit. 教友派
* Utopianism: This shit does not stink.乌托邦注意
* Darwinism: This shit was once food.达尔文主义
* Capitalism: That's MY shit.资本主义
* Communism: It's everybody's shit.共产主义
* Feminism: Men are shit. 女权主义者
* Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...盲目爱国者
* Commercialism: Let's package this shit.商业主义
* Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.印象派
* Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.偶像注意
* Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS. 存在主义
* Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway? 存在主义2
* Stoicism: This shit is good for me.坚忍克己主义
* Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!快乐主义
* Mormonism: God sent us this shit.摩门教
* Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.摩门教2
* Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.巫术崇拜
* Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics"（排除有害印象精神治疗法）, p.157. 科学论派
* Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens. 耶和华目击者
* Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?耶和华目击者2
* Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.耶和华目击者3
* Moonies: Only really happy shit happens. 文朝鲜统一教

* Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.毗湿奴派的哈瑞奎师那
* Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!（牙买加）塔法里教
* Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time. 索罗亚斯德教, 拜火教, 袄教
* Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
* Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time. 实用主义
* Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not. 不可知论者
* Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?不可知论者2
* Agnostic #3: What is this shit?不可知论者3
* Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.恶魔崇拜者
* Atheism: What shit?无神论者
* Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!无神论者2
* Nihilism: No shit.虚无主义者

* And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!
嗜酒
* A new addition to the list from the DAA sociologist（社会学家） perspective...I pick up elephant shit, then test for boron（硼）.
* Dane Cook: Someone shit on the coats!
* In Soviet Russia, you happen to shit!
*Elizabethean: Shit occureth伊丽莎白时代
*Nation of Islam: "Don't take no shit!"伊斯兰国家

真的好多笑死我了。。希望你们喜欢。。>

好好的一个女仆1/6模型…………

saber迷不要杀了我啊啊啊啊………